So we're into March now which means another month beginning with our incredible son, James, and another month closer to the wedding. The wedding for which there has been more or less nothing arranged since the first few days. I think it might now be time to start worrying.
There have been a few bumps in the road that have prevented the meticulous planning and the extremely admirable saving. One being that we are us and it is not in either of our personalities to be so careful or organised; our lives have also thrown huge curve balls in our way too, with my quitting university and a baby but I think the massive reason why nothing has really been done is decisions.
I'm not a chooser as such, I look at one option, like it, and go for it without considering the rest. Maybe this means I miss out on another path which could be better, personally I think all paths are ultimately the same, it's our interpretation that makes them good or bad. I was like this when it came to going to university, the first one I visited was the one I went for with no other university or course option and in a way it's the same with everything, I see the first one I like and I don't think about the rest.
Will is different though. He likes to look at all the options and pick 'the best one' (just a fancy way of saying the cheapest) so far the only real thing we have managed to do other than pick out the date (which I did the day he asked me to marry him) and book the church and reception venue is change the later! His mum keeps mentioning bunting but right now it isn't a priority really and at this stage I think it should be. All I want is a nice, simple cheap wedding were everyone leaves feeling happy.
I don't want to pick a time! I don't want to make a decision on what colour dress my bridesmaids will wear and how I will wear my hair. I want to have the dress in my head there for me, not have to decide on which one is the closest to it. I really don't care about most of it to be honest, I just want to get married!!
Over the next few months I think I'll try and do a wedding-related blog fortnightly maybe I will finally pull my finger out and get the wedding organised. First step is getting Will to pull out my baptism certificate so I can get that sent off!
Monday 3 March 2014
Monday 10 February 2014
The 'Is He/she a Good Baby?' Problem
Seven weeks ago my little boy came into the world via Caesarian section because the gorgeous monster was breech and I had pre-eclampsia. Since then, I have been settling into motherhood and discovering the annoying questions and advice people are always more than happy to ask and give, so much so I might do a post on which of these are the most annoying. What this post is about, by far, is the most annoying phase to hear to date - most likely due to the frequency of which it is used.
"And is he a good baby?"
I mean, really? No, he's terrible; he always answers back, he'll stay out late, come home drunk and he constantly gets into fights.
The amount of times I have heard this question (and so badly wanted to answer as above) is beyond belief! And often the question is asked by seasoned parents too who you'd think would have experience enough to know it is a) a pointless question with no real answer and b) beyond irritating and monotonous to hear. How can a baby be bad?
Please understand, I'm not saying this because the first seven weeks have been easy, they have been far from it! My perfect little man spent the first few weeks screaming whenever he was put down so getting anything done was (and still is) incredibly hard to the point that if I manage to eat through the day it's a big achievement. He has also had colic (cue hours of screaming), went to feeding every 2 hours through the night and every hour through the day during a growth spurt. Not to mention the number of nappies wasted by the tiniest bit of poo!
But do these things make him a bad baby? Do they make him a good baby? No, is my opinion on it. What they DO make him is a baby. A baby who feeds when he's hungry; a baby who seeks comfort when he needs it; and a baby who cries because he doesn't know how else to communicate.
He's a baby, he behaves how a baby - and more importantly, how he - should behave. And if that defines him as a good baby, then he is a good baby, but seeing as there isn't really, in my opinion such a thing as a 'bad' baby, how can a 'good' baby exist?
"And is he a good baby?"
I mean, really? No, he's terrible; he always answers back, he'll stay out late, come home drunk and he constantly gets into fights.
The amount of times I have heard this question (and so badly wanted to answer as above) is beyond belief! And often the question is asked by seasoned parents too who you'd think would have experience enough to know it is a) a pointless question with no real answer and b) beyond irritating and monotonous to hear. How can a baby be bad?
Please understand, I'm not saying this because the first seven weeks have been easy, they have been far from it! My perfect little man spent the first few weeks screaming whenever he was put down so getting anything done was (and still is) incredibly hard to the point that if I manage to eat through the day it's a big achievement. He has also had colic (cue hours of screaming), went to feeding every 2 hours through the night and every hour through the day during a growth spurt. Not to mention the number of nappies wasted by the tiniest bit of poo!
But do these things make him a bad baby? Do they make him a good baby? No, is my opinion on it. What they DO make him is a baby. A baby who feeds when he's hungry; a baby who seeks comfort when he needs it; and a baby who cries because he doesn't know how else to communicate.
He's a baby, he behaves how a baby - and more importantly, how he - should behave. And if that defines him as a good baby, then he is a good baby, but seeing as there isn't really, in my opinion such a thing as a 'bad' baby, how can a 'good' baby exist?
Saturday 30 November 2013
The Skint Parenting Guilt
There is nothing quite as horrible as the feeling that you are not going to be able to give your children what they want or need. The sensation that you have let them down and, in a way, failed them is something I find indescribable and utterly heartbreaking. As Christmas and the birth of my first child draws nearer and media formats are full of present-buying - whether its what your child MUST have this year (advertisements) or what others have bought their children (social media sites) - I am reminded constantly that my child is unlikely to ever have any of them in the foreseeable future and that is something that fills me with complete guilt and a sense of failure.
It isn't just the season, however, the whole concept of having a child in this day and age seems to be one that is routed on the need for material goods and objects that your child must own in order for you to be consider a good parent and less about the social, emotional, physical and environmental welfare of that child. Reading a status posted by a distant family member on Facebook based on the fact that she doesn't feel her children have enough for Christmas reminds me of earlier in my pregnancy when I first realised the extent my financial circumstances will have on what I can materialistically provide for the little life wiggling inside my swollen tummy as I write this. We are not completely poor so to speak, our child will have a roof over their head and food in their belly but when you start to buy the essentials for that little life and work out what you need, the cost of it all seems to become overwhelming.
When shopping earlier in the year (I can't remember if it was before my second scan and the heart scare we had or after) I decided to look for a snowsuit for baby (who is due late December) and at least have something that we have bought the little mite first hand. My sisters and I went into a big baby store (which isn't exactly famous for being cheap) in order to participate in our latest obsession (as any mother and mother-to-be will know) - baby browsing. There really is nothing quite like looking at little shoes and picturing putting them on the minature feet currently growing inside your swollen belly! However, on this occasion, my delight soon turned to an overwhelming sense of failure and grief that threatened a teary scene right there in the middle of the store. My baby would never wear these shoes. The perfectly set up nursery displays of matching furniture and bedding with all the matching room features would never belong to the little baby that was wiggling inside of me because there was no way in hell I would ever be able to afford it!
I think the feeling become almost too overwhelming to bare when we looked at snowsuits and I fell in love with this gorgeous white quilted snowsuit that looked so warm and cosy, I just had to have it for my little bump..well, until I looked at the price! £42 for something that would fit for three months!! There is no way I could justify spending that, even as a one-off 'we have to have something nice and new for baby from us'. I don't think I've ever been made to feel so poor and so insignificant in my entire life. I felt like I had already failed the baby who had done so well inside of me and in many ways I still do.
I keep trying to tell myself 'money isn't everything' and that our little one doesn't need to have the newest and latest of anything; to be perfectly honest, it won't realise or care. As long as he (or she) is warm, fed and clean what are they going to know! But when it feels like sites and such endorse this need to have everything new and absolutely everything of anything (because the canvas paintings that cost £50 for two and match the bedding you just spent £100 plus on are utterly essential in proving that you are a fit mother) it becomes so hard and you feel trapped in the guilt.
I do not regret falling pregnant when I did, I do not regret the man I chose, the money he makes or the way we are having to do the whole baby thing (most of it is secondhand from Facebook selling groups or has been given to us) but when you can count the items you have bought brand new for your baby on your hands it doesn't half make you feel like you are somehow failing them. I know our baby will be happy and loved and they will take pleasure in everything that we give them. My child will not be raised to look at things with a materialistic eye and they will be taught the value of gifts for what they represent, the thought and love that is behind them. I just wish that this would be made easier within society. I should not be condoned or viewed negatively because my child's toys might be secondhand and their clothes may be hand-me-downs and lack designer labels.
No parent should feel that the presents they put under the Christmas tree aren't enough, and they should never be made to feel bad about how much they spend in comparison to other parents. Why can't we be praised for the smile on our children's faces? The laughter from their mouths? And the utter joy and positive behaviour which they present in their daily lives? THESE are what make a parent a good parent; not the latest game station or a brand new Barbie house that cost £200 but a happy and loved child who knows that they are happy and loved.
It isn't just the season, however, the whole concept of having a child in this day and age seems to be one that is routed on the need for material goods and objects that your child must own in order for you to be consider a good parent and less about the social, emotional, physical and environmental welfare of that child. Reading a status posted by a distant family member on Facebook based on the fact that she doesn't feel her children have enough for Christmas reminds me of earlier in my pregnancy when I first realised the extent my financial circumstances will have on what I can materialistically provide for the little life wiggling inside my swollen tummy as I write this. We are not completely poor so to speak, our child will have a roof over their head and food in their belly but when you start to buy the essentials for that little life and work out what you need, the cost of it all seems to become overwhelming.
When shopping earlier in the year (I can't remember if it was before my second scan and the heart scare we had or after) I decided to look for a snowsuit for baby (who is due late December) and at least have something that we have bought the little mite first hand. My sisters and I went into a big baby store (which isn't exactly famous for being cheap) in order to participate in our latest obsession (as any mother and mother-to-be will know) - baby browsing. There really is nothing quite like looking at little shoes and picturing putting them on the minature feet currently growing inside your swollen belly! However, on this occasion, my delight soon turned to an overwhelming sense of failure and grief that threatened a teary scene right there in the middle of the store. My baby would never wear these shoes. The perfectly set up nursery displays of matching furniture and bedding with all the matching room features would never belong to the little baby that was wiggling inside of me because there was no way in hell I would ever be able to afford it!
I think the feeling become almost too overwhelming to bare when we looked at snowsuits and I fell in love with this gorgeous white quilted snowsuit that looked so warm and cosy, I just had to have it for my little bump..well, until I looked at the price! £42 for something that would fit for three months!! There is no way I could justify spending that, even as a one-off 'we have to have something nice and new for baby from us'. I don't think I've ever been made to feel so poor and so insignificant in my entire life. I felt like I had already failed the baby who had done so well inside of me and in many ways I still do.
I keep trying to tell myself 'money isn't everything' and that our little one doesn't need to have the newest and latest of anything; to be perfectly honest, it won't realise or care. As long as he (or she) is warm, fed and clean what are they going to know! But when it feels like sites and such endorse this need to have everything new and absolutely everything of anything (because the canvas paintings that cost £50 for two and match the bedding you just spent £100 plus on are utterly essential in proving that you are a fit mother) it becomes so hard and you feel trapped in the guilt.
I do not regret falling pregnant when I did, I do not regret the man I chose, the money he makes or the way we are having to do the whole baby thing (most of it is secondhand from Facebook selling groups or has been given to us) but when you can count the items you have bought brand new for your baby on your hands it doesn't half make you feel like you are somehow failing them. I know our baby will be happy and loved and they will take pleasure in everything that we give them. My child will not be raised to look at things with a materialistic eye and they will be taught the value of gifts for what they represent, the thought and love that is behind them. I just wish that this would be made easier within society. I should not be condoned or viewed negatively because my child's toys might be secondhand and their clothes may be hand-me-downs and lack designer labels.
No parent should feel that the presents they put under the Christmas tree aren't enough, and they should never be made to feel bad about how much they spend in comparison to other parents. Why can't we be praised for the smile on our children's faces? The laughter from their mouths? And the utter joy and positive behaviour which they present in their daily lives? THESE are what make a parent a good parent; not the latest game station or a brand new Barbie house that cost £200 but a happy and loved child who knows that they are happy and loved.
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